And the nominees are.....Part Deux

Continuing our nominations in the sphere of international events, today we list more folks deserving of some kind of recognition, approbation or opprobrium. Here are the nominees:

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev: For creating the amazing illusion that it's really he and not Vladimir Putin who is running things.

Dick Cheney: This one is almost too easy.

Than Shwe, Maung Aye, Shwe Mann and Thein Sein: The Burmese Generals who denied the enormity of the destruction of the cyclone and hampered access to relief crews.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Sarah Palin: I know, way too obvious but really, where do you start?

Condoleeza Rice: So much promise, such a disappointment.

Tian Wenhua: Head of China's Sanlu company. Yes melamine is good...for your bottom line.

ART DIRECTION

United States: For that colossal new embassy in Baghdad. Even the folks that created the sets for Spielberg and Lucas were awed.

China: For those nifty Olympic facilities. Never mind that they uprooted people and destroyed wonderful old neighborhoods. Progress baby. Just don't get in the way.

Bangladeshi filmmaker Ahsanullah Moni: For spending $58 million dollars to construct a replica of the Taj Mahal in Bangladesh. Yeah, that's exactly what this poor nation needs.

DICTATOR...I MEAN DIRECTOR

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: King, Dictator...whatever. Yes he's on the list. Call me when women, the other half of your population, have equal rights.

Aleksandr Lukashenko: This guy is old school. Repression, torture, bigotry, curtailing press freedoms. Oh yeah. He's on the list.

Bashar al Assad: Because you know he was involved in Hariri's death.

And the nominees are.....

It's that time of the year again, awards season. We've already had the Golden Globe awards, the Producers Guild awards, the SAG awards and the Oscars are right around the corner and I thought that, if it's true that all the world's a stage, then the foreign policy world should have their own awards. So, here are the nominees......


ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Let's face it, when it comes to bombast, speeches and hubris, he is a hard act to follow.

Mikheil Saakashvili and Dmitriy Medvedev: Their over the top hand wringing and mutual sense of outrage over South Ossetia was real theater.

Robert Mugabe: For his sheer stones and denial of reality. Also, anyone who prints a $50 billion dollar note with a straight face deserves to be nominated. He is the one to beat in this category.

Somali President Adan Mohamed Nuur Madobe: Can there be a tougher gig? I don't think so.


ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner: Technically she assumed the Presidency in December of 2007, but I figured what the heck. Also because it's not easy being a female leader in a macho Hispanic world.

India's Pratibha Patil: Who? Exactly. I bet you didn't even know India had a female President.

Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto: Another technicality, she was assassinated in 2007, but she gets nominated for sheer guts for running for office when she knew the whack jobs were gunning for her. She has the inside track to be the Heath Ledger of the awards.

Bangladesh's Sheikh Hasina Wazed: For trying to run Bangladesh, she gets an automatic nomination.


MAKE UP

Radovan Karadzic: For that whole wild monk, wacky mountain man look.

Nikolas Sarkozy: Nothing makes a person look cooler than marrying Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton's ex-girlfriend Carla Bruni.


SPECIAL EFFECTS

Iran: For those doctored missile photos

North Korea: For photoshopping Dear Leader into pictures to prove he's alive and well.


Tomorrow: Nominees for Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role, Writing, Dictator...I mean Director, Set Decoration and Non-State Actor.

Feel free to send me you nominees.

Gitmo closing

The Obama White House has announced that they will be closing Gitmo within a year. No longer will the inmates be lulled to sleep by warm Caribbean breezes and the sound of waves washing up on white sandy beaches.

Of course, the big question is, what are we going to do with the 240 some odd detainees?

We can't just send them back to their own countries. They will either be tortured some more, executed or released to fight again.

I have a better solution.

Everyone who comes out of prison has to go to a half-way house. A place to pick up the pieces of your life and start anew. After all, as Donald Trump said, America is all about second chances. Go with me on this.

If you really think about it, those detainees picked up a gun without really understanding the concept of the American dream; without understanding what they were trying to destroy.

Therefore, I say, let's give them the American dream and then, if they still want to go back to that cave or compound on the Afghan-Pakistan border and live without a/c, central heating, no washer/dryer, no cable, no TIVO, no 50" LCD TV, no trash compactor, no electric garage door opener, no blender, no dry cleaning, no mini-van, then fine, let 'em go.

I think though, that they will opt for the dream. I think they'll opt for the cheeseburgers, and pizza and ribs and steaks, and milk shakes. I think they'll opt for a shot at putting their kids through college, at owning their own home, at joining a bowling league, a 40 hour week, two weeks vacation in Biloxi, Myrtle Beach or Disneyland.

I know what you're thinking....we can't reward killers, we have to make them suffer.

Here's the silver lining. With this "American dream" they'll get comfortable, they'll stop exercising, they'll eat more junk food while watching Survivor, they'll gain weight, struggle to pay the mortgage, the credit card bills, the car payments, the medical bills. They'll get massively stressed out, they'll get ulcers, heart disease, suffer heart attacks and die.

You were saying....?

The Doctor Has Left the Building

When they rolled Dick Cheney out this morning, I finally made the connection.

He IS Dr. Strangelove.

Cease fire? Please.....

There is nothing even vaguely amusing about the tragedy that is unfolding in Gaza.

But I did have to roll my eyes this morning when I read that the Israelis had declared a unilateral cease-fire and that Hamas had also declared a one week cease-fire.

Now in the arcane world of diplo-speak, where you have to read between the lines to glean the true meaning of what is being said, cease-fire doesn't really mean cease-fire. I mean, there will be a cease-fire, but in this case, it also means, "hey, we're running low on ammo, and we need to re-load."

So, enjoy the cease-fire while you can because at the end of the week, it will all begin again.

Zimbabwe's 2 Drink Minimum

It is velvet rope time in Harare. Bobby Mugabe has a new angle.

According to CNN, "the Zimbabwean government has announced restrictive licensing fees for foreign journalists working in the country, demanding they pay an annual fee of $4,000 to practice journalism."

But oh, it gets better. The $4000 allows you to do your job, but the application to do your job, costs you $10,000. And once they say yes, you can do your job, your accreditation costs you $20,000. For a grand total of $34,000.

You know the Russians, Chinese, Iranians, Saudis and others are watching and thinking, "hmmmm instead of killing or imprisoning journalists, we can charge them a bunch of cash first, and THEN kill them or imprison them." Brilliant!

But why stop there? Why stop at charging them for applications and accreditation. There is so much more money to be made. How about $5000 for every camera you bring into the country? After all, pictures can be really damning.

Then you can charge another $5K for each laptop you bring in. And how about $5K for cell phones and $10K for satellite phones? Or better yet, make them rent the phones, cameras and laptops from you.

Come on Bobby, let's get creative here.

Space Cowboys and Shooting Stars

The Christmas/New Year's holidaze are always an interesting time to slide stuff into the media on the sly. Most folks aren't paying attention to the news and that's when the really interesting stuff gets reported. Or as my friend comedian Barry Weintraub says, "George H.W. Bush pardoned Casper Weinberger on Christmas Eve when only the Jews were watching."

I mention this because on Friday, Bloomberg writer Demian McLean reported that President-elect Obama is considering "tearing down long-standing barriers between the U.S.’s civilian and military space programs."

Wow. The Pentagon and NASA together at last. You know that somewhere Reagan is kicking himself for not thinking about this for his Strategic Defense Initiative.

Ah, the militarization of space. Where to begin? Smart new uniforms for starters? Because when we meet life forms from other galaxies who come in peace and have renounced warfare as a primitive means of settling disputes, we need to look good brandishing our phasers, lasers, light sabers and what have you. And are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet. A contest. Let's get the Lucas folks and the Star Trek guys and, what the heck, let's get Ralph Lauren involved too. Cuz you know the French are going to go with Gaultier.

But seriously.....there is just one tiny little problem. You see we, and all the other major powers, signed The Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space. I won't belabor you with the details, but Article IV is worth a second look:

Article IV

States Parties to the Treaty undertake not to place in orbit around the Earth any objects carrying nuclear weapons or any other kinds of weapons of mass destruction, install such weapons on celestial bodies, or station such weapons in outer space in any other manner.

The Moon and other celestial bodies shall be used by all States Parties to the Treaty exclusively for peaceful purposes. The establishment of military bases, installations and fortifications, the testing of any type of weapons and the conduct of military maneuvers on celestial bodies shall be forbidden. The use of military personnel for scientific research or for any other peaceful purposes shall not be prohibited. The use of any equipment or facility necessary for peaceful exploration of the Moon and other celestial bodies shall also not be prohibited. (emphasis added)

Forbidden.

Forbidden works for me. But hey that was 1966. And I realize that ever since the NY Times reported that the Chinese destroyed a satellite 2 years ago this month, we've been working overtime to keep up with the them. But come on folks, we, as a planet, as a group, have to stop it right here. Remember that whole cold war arms race thing? Anyone? Bueller?

Look, I'm not anti-Pentagon. I think our military is the best in the world. But that's just it. They are the MILITARY. Sooner or later someone is going to want to shoot something. It's a testosterone thing. Hey, I like shooting things too. But at targets. At a shooting range. Where no one gets hurt. And we can't turn space into a shooting range.

How about if we start with NO, and work from there. If China, Russia, India, Japan, France, the US and whoever want to militarize space, we say NO.

But most of all, I want to know why there is no call to arms, if you'll pardon the pun, to re-invigorate the discussion to keep space free of weapons? Where is General Secretary Ban Ki Moon on this issue? Why is there no major conference being organized right now to set new rules? We need some logic and some sanity. We need Mr. Spock.