Coincidence????

Let's see.... China starts a minor diplomatic row with the US Navy....to ....to......anyone? Bueller?

How about to draw media attention away from the 50th anniversary of the Dalai Lama leaving Tibet?

Ah you gotta love the subtlety. And it worked. While there is a lot of media stuff about Tibet today....there has been a lot more about the US Navy ship that has been harassed.

You know the folks at Burson-Marsteller are kvelling.

Tell me why I don't like Mondays

Good morning.

Where to begin? OK...let's start in the Middle East. The Saudis are kinky. I'm sorry, but that's the only way to describe the CNN story about the the woman who was sentenced to 40 lashes for 'mingling.' Yes, you read it correctly, she is going to be whipped for 'mingling.' But it gets better. Apparently the Religious Police entered a house and found a woman with two unrelated men. One of the men "told the policeman that he had the right to be there, because Sawadi had breast-fed him as a baby and was therefore considered to be a son to her." The religious police didn't buy this logic and thus the sentence. I wonder if there is leather involved?

Next up...China.

According to the BBC, the National People's Congress has heard Parliament Chief Wu Bangguo declare that China will never have a western style democracy. No way. Uh unh. Nyet. Nix. Nein. They are being particularly hard line these days because a couple of anniversaries are looming: the 20th anniversary of Tiananmen Square and the 50th anniversary of the riots in Tibet that forced the Dalai Lama into exile. Just a reminder that the Chinese, as the Clash so eloquently once said, are still and will always be "working on the clampdown."

Over in Europe...

The New York Times had an op-ed piece on Saturday about the sub prime issue in Eastern Europe. It's not a pretty read. But essentially, those Eastern European nations that I wrote about a last week are deeply in the hole, and looking for a bailout from their western European cousins. This is the one paragraph that stood out:

The debt crisis in Eastern Europe is much more than an economic problem. The wrenching decline in the standard of living caused by this crisis is provoking social unrest. American subprime borrowers who have had their houses foreclosed on are not — at least not yet — rioting in the streets. Workers in Eastern Europe are. The roots of democracy in the region are not deep and the specter of right-wing nationalism remains a threat. (emphasis in bold is mine)

Oh yeah. And it's just Monday. I wonder if that job as towel boy at the Marriott in Hawaii is still available.

The fix is in...maybe

So the tribunal to investigate the 2005 assassination of Lebanese President Rafik Hariri has finally gotten under way in the Netherlands. And golly gee wilikers, this should be interesting political theater.

Why you ask?

Well for one thing, it couldn't come at a worse time. Syria is slowly emerging from it's international isolation and starting to dialogue with the US. Unfortunately, the evidence seems to point to the involvement of Bashar al-Assad and his brother. This is not good. Why? Becasue we need them to keep a lid on Hezbollah and keep things calm in Lebanon and make nice noises toward Israel. So trying to arrest the President of Syria might be a tad awkward.

The Atlantic had a great piece in last December's issue by Joshua Hammer that reads like fiction, but it's not. I highly recomend you read it.

Here are a couple of highlights:

Since the summer of 2005, the Monteverde has been at the center of one of the world’s most sensitive criminal investigations. Inside, a team of about 200 people from nearly two dozen nations—forensics experts, DNA specialists, telecommunications analysts—has been sifting through evidence relating to the assassination of Hariri, one of the Middle East’s best-known and most influential politicians.

Though only preliminary, the report found “probable cause to believe that the decision to assassinate [Hariri] could not have been taken without the approval of top-ranked Syrian security officials.” The highest-ranking officials implicated were Asef Shawkhat (Assad’s brother-in-law and the head of Syria’s military intelligence department) and Maher al-Assad (Assad’s younger brother and the head of the presidential guard). Assad has continued to deny any Syrian role in Hariri’s killing.

That's not good.

...last March, King Abdullah II of Jordan was reported to be pushing for a deal with Assad—“the most astounding plea bargain of all time,” U.S. Senator Arlen Specter called it—that would grant the Syrian president immunity from prosecution in exchange for a pledge to rein in Hezbollah and Hamas.

Wheelin' and dealin' at the highest levels. Like I said, this is going to be an interesting show. There is a lot at stake. Will justice be served? Or will there be a wink and a nudge? Stay tuned.

Money Changes Everything

Oh sure. When the cold war ended and the Iron Curtain came down in 1989 and 1990, the countries that escaped the Soviet sphere of influence were greeted with open arms. "Oh yeah, come home to the EU.".... or...."Hey great to have you back!" or "Yeah, we're all one big family over here."

But a few weeks ago, a few of the econ types looked up from the staggering economic damage that was wreaking havoc on Western European economies and looked eastward. Suddenly everyone gulped. Well...they did more than gulp, but I am trying to maintain a sense of decorum here. It was one of those "uh oh" moments. They did a few quick calculations and figured out that if things were this bad in Western Europe, then things were really really bad further east.

How bad?

According to the Voice of America, "Hungary's Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany urged the European Union to show solidarity by establishing a support fund of about $240 billion to help failing economies in Eastern Europe." And when Angela Merkel heard that number, she passed milk through her nose. Because initially, they thought number might be somewhere around $30 billion.

Yes indeed, now everyone is pedaling backward so fast, they look like clowns on unicycles in the main ring at Ringling Brothers.

Mr. Ferenc warned that if the Western European countries didn't bail them out it would be like raising an "economic iron curtain." To which Sarkozy said, "Hey...you guys would do that? Really? Well OK. We'll give you the material to build it. Free. No kidding. I'll even send Carla Bruni in a bikini to cut the ribbon at the opening."

One big family indeed.

As Cyndi Lauper sang.... money changes everything.

The Mitchell-Holbrooke E-mails

As George Mitchell and Richard Holbrooke, two of America's preeminent statesmen go off to solve the problems of Israel/Palestine and Afghanistan, The Foreign Desk has stumbled upon some of their correspondence.

Dear Richard,

Thanks for the lift. Hope you made it into Bagram safely. Man, this jet lag is killing me. To say nothing of the hangover. Remind me not to play drinking games with you again. Did you get the phone number of the flight attendant? Cheers, George

Dear George,

We got in fine. And no I didn't get her phone number. They changed crews while I was talking to The President. You would not believe the security here. Haven't met Karzai yet, but hope to see him after I get some shut eye. Gotta go, something just blew up next door. Richard

Dear Richard,

Not much progess to report. Netanyahu is walking around with his hat in his hand trying to form a government. It's not pretty. Gaza is still a mess. Man, I am too old for this. And I'd kill for a ham and cheese sandwich. George

Dear George,

Everyone is stoned here. Seriously. There is hash EVERYWHERE. No wonder nothing gets done. Karzai still avoiding me. I think I'm gonna have to put everyone, -- Pakistanis and Afghans on a plane and bring 'em to Washington. And what the hell is Dennis Ross up to? Someone tell him this is my turf. Gotta go. They're evacutaing the hotel. Richard

The whole world is watching

I am back from various forms of the flu. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty.

So what's going on around this lovely little planet we call home?

According to the BBC about 70 students at Amir Kabir University in Tehran were arrested after clashing with the authorities who were re-burying the Iraq-Iran war dead on campus. Say what? Why on campus? Are the authorities trying to send a message? "Hey....it could be you students in these graves unless you shape up?" Seems a bit heavy handed to me, but that's the Ahmadinejad way.

Trouble in Russia? The Financial Times notes that President Medvedev accused Vladimir Putin's government yesterday of failing to act quickly to combat the economic crisis. Uh oh. All is not smiles and sunshine. If these guys start going at each other, it will make the mob wars of NY in the 1970's look like an Ivy league debating match.

Which leads into today's final bit about things coming apart.

An interesting read is Niall Ferguson's piece called "Axis of Upheaval" in the March/April Foreign Policy. In a nutshell he says that the axis of evil is not the real problem. What is really going to be a major problem is the economic crisis we are going through and how this crisis will create an "axis of upheaval" or in simpler terms, the recipe for violence and strife.

He says, "...three factors made the location and timing of lethal organized violence more or less predictable in the last century. The first factor was ethnic disintegration: Violence was worst in areas of mounting ethnic tension. The second factor was economic volatility: The greater the magnitude of economic shocks, the more likely conflict was. And the third factor was empires in decline: When structures of imperial rule crumbled, battles for political power were most bloody."

And who are the players? Somalia, Mexico, Russia, Pakistan, Indonesia ... and more. Suddenly that trip to Disneyland is looking a lot more attractive.

The Wackiest Ship in the Jihad

So, that Russian ship that's been anchored off Cyprus under high security has been searched and according to the Agence France Presse the Cypriot government has declared that it is not...repeat...NOT carrying arms. And because it is NOT carrying arms, they confiscated all 90 containers.

So why did they confiscate it? Because the Cypriots, according to Reuters, said the ship was loaded with "weapon related material."

Reuters went on to add that Iranian foreign spokesman Hassan Qashqavi told reporters at a news conference, "What they initially said, that it was weaponry and so on, it is not true." Well, yeah, technically, they aren't weapons till you put them together. And according to one unnamed source, the containers were all marked, "Some Assembly Required."

In any event, wherever it was headed, it is not headed there now. However, stay tuned, because you know there is another ship on the horizon.

About those arms.....

So it's "we said" versus "they said."

You see, there is this ship. A Russian freighter, flying a Cypriot flag, that sailed from Iran, headed for Syria. At least that is what was originally reported by CBS News.

That same CBS News report from late January, said that the ship was stopped by the US Navy, searched and released. "The United States did as much as we could do legally," (Admiral Mike) Mullen said, adding that he would like more authority to act in such cases. "We were not authorized to seize the weapons or do anything like that."

Cut to....this week, where the ship is now anchored off the port of Limassol in Cyprus under tight security. The Cypriot government has now searched the ship, and has asked the UN for guidance.

Yesterday, according to Reuters, an Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman said there were no arms on the ship.

So you see the problem. The US Navy says there are arms on board the ship. The Israeli media says there are arms aboard the ship, the Iranians deny there are arms on the ship, the Cypriot government searched the ship but is not saying anything.

We said, they said.

The real issue is that it is time to really clamp down on arms shipments anywhere in the world. Whether real or imagined. I realized that this is a very pollyanna-ish view, but there is nothing wrong with saying that there are certain parts of the world that just don't need arms. Call me a dreamer, but it's harder to sit down and talk than it is to pull a trigger.

Meanwhile.....back in Cyprus...

So that Russian freighter supposedly carrying Iranian arms is still anchored of Cyprus under tight security. Reuters says that the Iranians deny there are arms on board. The BBC says that, "on Tuesday Cypriot Foreign Minister Marcos Kyprianou said a UN committee ruled that the Monchegorsk was in "clear" breach of UN sanctions, but he did not specify what had been found on board." OK. No one really knows. Or they know but they are not saying.

But, they all agree that whatever is on the ship is in breach of UN sanctions. OK, if it's not arms, what could cause a breach of UN sanctions? A couple of containers of over ripe Camembert? Used sex toys? Bacon? Well....it is the middle east.

And so, the saga continues. And I'll keep an eye on it.

Elsewhere in the world...

In Afghanistan, the NYT reports that the Taliban attacked government buildings, demonstrating that that they can move about easily and cause havoc at will. Holbrooke has a lot of work ahead of him. I don't envy him the gig.

And for sheer nuttiness...according to USA Today, there was one of those 'you gotta see it to believe it moments.' Bobby Mugabe swears in Morgan Tsvangirai as Prime Minister. No really. Kind of like the mongoose inviting the cobra to come in from the cold. I love African politics.

What Biden really said in Munich

Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden delivered the first substantive US foreign policy speech at the Munich Conference on Security Policy, and we didn't lose any allies. Kidding. I think while the world held its breath waiting to see what hints Biden would give of the direction of US foreign policy, the folks back in Washington held their breath, hoping that Biden wouldn't unwittingly set back US relations with the world with an off color joke or comment.

As most people who follow international relations know, the words and phrases used in a speech are chosen very deliberately. What I like to call "diplospeak." There is no off the cuff riffing here, no "hey I'm just making this up as I go along." As soon as Vice President Biden was finished, foreign ministries around the world went to work parsing each and every sentence to figure out just exactly what the Obama administration's foreign policy would be. And to save you time and effort, I have chosen a few key passages and "un-diplospeaked" them.

Biden: I come to Europe on behalf of a new administration, and an administration that's determined to set a new tone not only in Washington, but in America's relations around the world.

What he really meant: Look we know you hated the Bush/Chaney administration. Those idiots are gone. We are going to try to clean their mess up, but it's going to take some time.

Biden: In the United States -- like many of you -- we're taking aggressive action to stabilize our financial systems, to jumpstart our economy, and, hopefully, lay a new foundation for growth in the 21st century.

What he really meant: Man, our economy is in the toilet. No really. I can't tell you how bad, but trust me, I've seen the files. You wanna know how bad? I ran into Geithner the other night buying adult diapers at CVS. But take heart. We're taking the battery cables that we used to torture folks with and are using them for what they were intended -- to jumpstart our economy and get things going again.

Biden: We'll need your help. For example, we will ask others to take responsibility for some of those now in Guantanamo, as we determine to close it. Our security is shared. And so, too, I respectfully suggest, is our responsibility to defend it.

What he really meant: Look, we are going to close Guantanamo. But...there are some seriously scary dudes there. And after 6 years, they are tanned, rested and pissed off. And, like all prisons, it's been a training school. They've made connections and learned a lot of stuff. So, it's up to you. Either you take your share of them, or we turn them over to the Saudis or Yemen and if we do that, they show up in London, or Paris two weeks later with a new backpack. Get my drift?

Biden: The Iranian people are a great people; the Persian civilization is a great civilization. But Iran has acted in ways that are not conducive to peace in the region or to the prosperity of its own people.

What he really meant: Hey, you guys got an election coming in June. Take my advice, and toss that nut job you have for a President out of office. We did it. You can do it too.

Biden: It can be seen in the President's decision to name two of America's most tenacious diplomats -- Senator George Mitchell and Ambassador Richard Holbrooke -- to contend with two of the world's most urgent and vexing and complex challenges: the need for a secure, just, and lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians, and the imperative of stopping the mountains between Afghanistan and Pakistan from providing a haven for terrorists.

What he really meant: Mitchell and Holbrooke are back in the game. Let's recap. Mitchell brought peace to Ireland which makes the Israeli-Palestinian thing look like an argument at a ladies tea social. He may look like a mild mannered history professor, but don't underestimate him. As for Holbrooke, this is one seriously bad dude. Need I remind you that he explained how things worked to Milošević? I think you get my drift.

Biden: President Obama has ordered a strategic review of our policy in Afghanistan and Pakistan to make sure that our goals are clear, and that they are achievable. As we undertake that review, we seek ideas and input from you and all of our partners.

What he really meant: See my reference to backpacks above.

Biden: We continue to develop -- we will continue to develop missile defense to counter the growing Iranian capability, provided the technology is proven and it is cost-effective. We'll do so in consultation with you, our NATO allies, and with Russia.

What he really meant: Hey Putin and Medvedev. In case you guys missed it, the Iranians launched a satellite the other day, which means they can now reach Moscow. Your move.

Biden: We will not recognize any nation having a sphere of influence.

What he really meant: Yeah, I got your sphere of influence right here.

Biden: Thank you for your indulgence.

What he really meant: I don't know about the rest of you but I could use a drink. The bar is open and the US is buying the first round.

Melee in Munich?

So, this weekend at the 45th Annual Munich Security Conference is shaping up to be even more fun than the Thrilla in Manilla.

Vice President Biden is set to deliver a major foreign policy address and the world awaits with baited breath. A senior administration official says, "it will be dramatic!"

So....what constitutes dramatic?

Russia just bribed Kyrgyzstan to close the US base there. Oh, I'm sorry. How impolitic of me. The Russians gave the Kyrgyz government $2 billion in foreign aid and Kyrgyz President Kurmanbek Bakiyev decided to close the US air base there. No coincidence at all. Nope. Nada.

So, on the one hand Putin made nice toward the US in his remarks at Davos and on the other hand they are making things tough for us to re-supply the Afghan effort. Odd friends indeed. You get the feeling that the right hand doesn't really know what the left is doing?

Definitely good cop, bad cop with Putin and Medvedev. The only question is, how far will the bad cop go? Cuz when you're in custody with the bad cop, sometimes things get out of hand. Sometimes you get slapped around.

So how will Biden and the Obama administration respond? That, kids, is the $64,000 question. I would imagine that the Obama folks are a little bent out of shape. So do they go ahead and deploy those missiles that the Bushies were going to put into Poland and the Czech Republic? Or do they make nice and find another way into Afghanistan?

My bet is that they put the ball in Moscow's court. Call for a HUGE nuclear disarmament or....even TOTAL elimination of ALL nuclear arms. You know...go big or go home.

Naturally, our European allies are standing by us....kinda. The Baltic States are TOTALLY with us....cuz they know what the Russians can do to real estate values and relatives. But the Europeans are in the middle of winter and get their gas from Russia so they are playing it cool.

And meanwhile....in another part of town....

If you believe the report on Debka File, Iran is going into the shipping business full time. According to Debka, Ehud Barak claims that Iran is preparing to send more ships with arms to break the blockade on Gaza. More confrontations on the horizon.

Time to stock up at the liquor store.

Dr. Thomas Barnett's new book

I'm going to stray from the humor and the satire for a day and urge you to go out and buy Dr. Thomas Barnett's new book, "Great Powers: America and the World After Bush," which came out today.

For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Barnett, he is the author of The Pentagon's New Map: War and Peace in the 21st Century, one of the best books on foreign policy written in a long time.

His books are a must read for anyone who wants to understand America's place in this modern messy world.

He also writes a blog that is wonderfully informative, very human...and he's funny too. So if you want to know more about the world you live in, read his books.

For those folks in the San Francisco Bay Area, he will be a guest on my buddy Gil Gross's radio show on KGO 810 AM on Tuesday February 10th, 2PM PST.

Tune in!

Stuff keeps on happening

OK...so the authorities in Cyprus searched the ship and reported the results to the UN according to the BBC. As for that Togo ship carrying relief supplies, activists and religious figures, they were cleared out of Cyprus and are heading for Gaza according to the International Herald Tribune.

But what the heck was on that arms ship? Why won't anybody tell? I submit that the Iranians know, the Russians know, the Syrians know, the US Navy knows because they stopped the ship. So...who is trying to protect who here? Who is possibly being kept in the dark? Just folks like us? Seems like it.

Another item to pay attention to....is the Saudi succession. King Abdullah is sick, Crown Prince Sultan has cancer and if he goes before the King, look out. The Washington Institute for Near East Policy has a great piece on it. The intrigue and back room machinations makes picking a new mob boss look like an open western style democracy.

Oh...and if things weren't bad enough in Afghanistan with the Taliban destroying a bridge that carries supplies in for NATO, the government of Kyrgyzstan got a better offer from Moscow and is closing the U. S. Manas airbase there that serves as a re-fueling and transit point for US troops in Afghanistan. It's all about Russian re-asserting its old sphere of interest. What do you think the chances are of that money from Moscow trickling down to the Kyrgyz people? Yeah. That's what I thought.

All together now.... "It's a small world after all...."

Cyprus is hopping!

So...the suspected arms ship is still tied up off Limassol in Cyprus. According to the Jerusalem Post, the Israeli government has asked the US and EU navies to "change the mandate of their fleets operating in the Red Sea and Mediterranean to allow them to board and detain vessels shipping weapons to Hamas in the Gaza Strip."

The US Navy stopped a ship last week and inspected it, but let it continue because they didn't have legal reasons to confiscate the weapons. According to Reuters, "the officials declined to say what kind of weapons were found or how many. They also would not be specific about where or when the incident occurred."

Well gee guys....why NOT say what was on the ship? It's not like no one knows you checked it out. What possible reason do you have for not telling the world? Come on...inquiring minds want to know.

Like I said, this is really juicy stuff.

And according to the Middle East Times, the ship is still there and man oh man...you know the folks in the Cyprus government really wish this whole thing would disappear. They haven't said anything, and for that matter, a whole lot of folks aren't saying anything.

But hold on....now, another incident is brewing. According to AFP religious figures and activists sailed from Tripoli in Lebanon aboard a Togolese ship heading for Gaza carrying aid. They are going to Cyprus to have the ship searched first and then will continue on.

I'm telling you...it's a real international fun fest with players from Iran, Togo, Russia, the US, Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Cyprus...

And amazingly, most of the world's media is doing a pretty good job of ignoring it. Even the American media is silent. Oh...wait a minute, that's right. We're still recovering from our collective Super Bowl coma. And what makes the news? Denny's free breakfast giveaway. Well...I suppose its newsworthy. Those breakfasts can be lethal too. And so it goes.

Stay tuned kids...

There's never a pirate around when you need one

So there is this ship that is causing a lot of headaches in the Middle East. According to reports, it's a Russian cargo ship, flying a Cyprus flag, carrying Iranian arms.

Stay with me, because this is really juicy international relations stuff.

Right now, the Cypriots have detained the ship near Limassol, the port in Cyprus, per a request from the United States.

Now the Cypriots, which are currently ruled by the Communists, are searching the ship and they're doing this because they want better relations with the United States. And there is a UN resolution that prohibits arms trafficking in the area.

So what's on the ship?

According to Israel's Ha'aretz there are Iranian arms on board destined for Hamas and Gaza. Other reports say the arms are going to Syria. The Russians claim it's just cargo.

One thing that IS certain is that everyone wishes the whole situation would disappear.

Oh...we'll be following this very closely. This could turn into the first big international incident for the Obama administration.

Who wants to start a pool that the ship never makes it any further? Any takers on an "accidental sinking?"

Whaaaat? Hey, stuff happens.

And the nominees are.....Part Deux

Continuing our nominations in the sphere of international events, today we list more folks deserving of some kind of recognition, approbation or opprobrium. Here are the nominees:

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev: For creating the amazing illusion that it's really he and not Vladimir Putin who is running things.

Dick Cheney: This one is almost too easy.

Than Shwe, Maung Aye, Shwe Mann and Thein Sein: The Burmese Generals who denied the enormity of the destruction of the cyclone and hampered access to relief crews.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Sarah Palin: I know, way too obvious but really, where do you start?

Condoleeza Rice: So much promise, such a disappointment.

Tian Wenhua: Head of China's Sanlu company. Yes melamine is good...for your bottom line.

ART DIRECTION

United States: For that colossal new embassy in Baghdad. Even the folks that created the sets for Spielberg and Lucas were awed.

China: For those nifty Olympic facilities. Never mind that they uprooted people and destroyed wonderful old neighborhoods. Progress baby. Just don't get in the way.

Bangladeshi filmmaker Ahsanullah Moni: For spending $58 million dollars to construct a replica of the Taj Mahal in Bangladesh. Yeah, that's exactly what this poor nation needs.

DICTATOR...I MEAN DIRECTOR

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: King, Dictator...whatever. Yes he's on the list. Call me when women, the other half of your population, have equal rights.

Aleksandr Lukashenko: This guy is old school. Repression, torture, bigotry, curtailing press freedoms. Oh yeah. He's on the list.

Bashar al Assad: Because you know he was involved in Hariri's death.

And the nominees are.....

It's that time of the year again, awards season. We've already had the Golden Globe awards, the Producers Guild awards, the SAG awards and the Oscars are right around the corner and I thought that, if it's true that all the world's a stage, then the foreign policy world should have their own awards. So, here are the nominees......


ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Let's face it, when it comes to bombast, speeches and hubris, he is a hard act to follow.

Mikheil Saakashvili and Dmitriy Medvedev: Their over the top hand wringing and mutual sense of outrage over South Ossetia was real theater.

Robert Mugabe: For his sheer stones and denial of reality. Also, anyone who prints a $50 billion dollar note with a straight face deserves to be nominated. He is the one to beat in this category.

Somali President Adan Mohamed Nuur Madobe: Can there be a tougher gig? I don't think so.


ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE

Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner: Technically she assumed the Presidency in December of 2007, but I figured what the heck. Also because it's not easy being a female leader in a macho Hispanic world.

India's Pratibha Patil: Who? Exactly. I bet you didn't even know India had a female President.

Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto: Another technicality, she was assassinated in 2007, but she gets nominated for sheer guts for running for office when she knew the whack jobs were gunning for her. She has the inside track to be the Heath Ledger of the awards.

Bangladesh's Sheikh Hasina Wazed: For trying to run Bangladesh, she gets an automatic nomination.


MAKE UP

Radovan Karadzic: For that whole wild monk, wacky mountain man look.

Nikolas Sarkozy: Nothing makes a person look cooler than marrying Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton's ex-girlfriend Carla Bruni.


SPECIAL EFFECTS

Iran: For those doctored missile photos

North Korea: For photoshopping Dear Leader into pictures to prove he's alive and well.


Tomorrow: Nominees for Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role, Writing, Dictator...I mean Director, Set Decoration and Non-State Actor.

Feel free to send me you nominees.

Gitmo closing

The Obama White House has announced that they will be closing Gitmo within a year. No longer will the inmates be lulled to sleep by warm Caribbean breezes and the sound of waves washing up on white sandy beaches.

Of course, the big question is, what are we going to do with the 240 some odd detainees?

We can't just send them back to their own countries. They will either be tortured some more, executed or released to fight again.

I have a better solution.

Everyone who comes out of prison has to go to a half-way house. A place to pick up the pieces of your life and start anew. After all, as Donald Trump said, America is all about second chances. Go with me on this.

If you really think about it, those detainees picked up a gun without really understanding the concept of the American dream; without understanding what they were trying to destroy.

Therefore, I say, let's give them the American dream and then, if they still want to go back to that cave or compound on the Afghan-Pakistan border and live without a/c, central heating, no washer/dryer, no cable, no TIVO, no 50" LCD TV, no trash compactor, no electric garage door opener, no blender, no dry cleaning, no mini-van, then fine, let 'em go.

I think though, that they will opt for the dream. I think they'll opt for the cheeseburgers, and pizza and ribs and steaks, and milk shakes. I think they'll opt for a shot at putting their kids through college, at owning their own home, at joining a bowling league, a 40 hour week, two weeks vacation in Biloxi, Myrtle Beach or Disneyland.

I know what you're thinking....we can't reward killers, we have to make them suffer.

Here's the silver lining. With this "American dream" they'll get comfortable, they'll stop exercising, they'll eat more junk food while watching Survivor, they'll gain weight, struggle to pay the mortgage, the credit card bills, the car payments, the medical bills. They'll get massively stressed out, they'll get ulcers, heart disease, suffer heart attacks and die.

You were saying....?

The Doctor Has Left the Building

When they rolled Dick Cheney out this morning, I finally made the connection.

He IS Dr. Strangelove.

Cease fire? Please.....

There is nothing even vaguely amusing about the tragedy that is unfolding in Gaza.

But I did have to roll my eyes this morning when I read that the Israelis had declared a unilateral cease-fire and that Hamas had also declared a one week cease-fire.

Now in the arcane world of diplo-speak, where you have to read between the lines to glean the true meaning of what is being said, cease-fire doesn't really mean cease-fire. I mean, there will be a cease-fire, but in this case, it also means, "hey, we're running low on ammo, and we need to re-load."

So, enjoy the cease-fire while you can because at the end of the week, it will all begin again.