Yeah....right.

So the Financial Times had a piece yesterday about how Pakistan's government was going to remove the military from politics. They said they had disbanded the political wing of the ISI, Pakistan's intelligence agency in order to "sharply reduce the military's influence in politics." Yup. They just gave up, rolled up their tents and went home. "We're done. No more politics for us. It was just getting to be too much of a hassle."

And if you believe that, I have a few leftover WMD's you may be interested in in Iraq.

Oh...but it gets better. According to the FT, "Asif Ali Zardari made one of the strongest overtures of any Pakistani president to India. He offered to abandon Pakistan's first-strike nuclear threat, sign a South Asian nuclear non-proliferation treaty and join India in an economic union."

I know what you're thinking..."where did they find that much tequila in a muslim country?"

Congratulations!!

Good news this morning from London where my dear friend Laura Winter and her partners Ivan O'Mahoney and Karen O'Connor won the Foreign Press Award for TV Feature Story of the Year for "The Boys from Baghdad High" shown on BBC's This World. The documentary also aired on HBO last summer. The premise is great: they gave digital video cameras to 6 boys in Baghdad and asked them to record their last year in high school.

Persona Non Grata and other items

You know things are bad in Zimbabwe when they won't let Jimmy Carter in. Come on.....Jimmy Carter?? Clearly the 84 year old Nobel Prize winner is a threat to 84 year old Mugabe. Maybe they could have a cage match. Carter showed up with Kofi Annan and they wouldn't let him in either. Carter and Annan are part of a group called The Elders that was originally assembled by Sir Richard Branson and Peter Gabriel and announced by Nelson Mandela on his 89th birthday. The group is currently chaired by Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Carter and Annan join a distinguished list of folks who have been denied entry to Zimbabwe. They include, reporters from the BBC, The Times, The Daily Telegraph, The Sun and The Mirror and for good measure, the Dutch Human Rights Ambassador. Because it's so important to keep the riff raff out.

Elsewhere....

In Moscow, the murder trial of journalist Anna Politkovskaya has been re-opened to the public. For now. The three men on trial are accused of being involved in the murder, but not for doing the actual killing. The proceedings so far make the old American sitcom Night Court look like a serious courtroom drama.

Meanwhile, in Dubai....

The two Britons accused of making love on the beach had their jail terms suspended and have been ordered to leave the country. I hope these two rocket scientists realize what a gift they just received.

45 YEARS???!!!???!?!

So the authorities in Myanmar sentenced a comedian...A COMEDIAN...to 45 years for trying to deliver aid to cyclone victims. Well sure, he had it coming. Who was he to make the military look bad? Forget the rallying in the streets and rioting, nothing scares a junta like a comic with a sharp tongue.

I am reminded of Pastor Martin Niemoller's poem about Germany's intellectuals, and I made a few changes....

They first came for the mimes, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a mime.

Then they came for the ventriloquists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a vent.

Then they came for the guitar acts, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a guitar act.

Then they came for the political comics, and there was no one left to speak up.

45 years indeed.

Rothko......I don't think so...

So, I was in London last week and stopped off at the Tate Modern to check out the Rothko exhibit. And yes, I realize this isn't foreign policy, but it's in London. And it's my blog.

So...the Rothko exhibit.

I don't get it. The canvas is black. OK....some of them are red.

Kierkegaard and Sartre get mentioned in the notes. It's very fancy. Lot of young couples staring at the large canvases and whispering. The women whisper, the men nod, clueless as usual.

But at the end of the day, the canvas is still black.

There is a lot of hubris and spin involved.

But the canvas is still black.

"Oh no. There are shades of black. And they have a lot of meaning."

Maybe to you, but to me they are black.

But my hat is off to Rothko. He pulled it off.

Democracy IS a contact sport

It looks like Iraq will be fielding a team to the Legislative Brawling World Championship. According to the New York Times, "a session of Iraq’s Parliament collapsed in chaos on Wednesday, as a discussion among lawmakers about a three-year security agreement with the Americans boiled over into shouting and physical confrontation."

I'm not sure where the inaugural tournament will be held. Taiwan and South Korea have both put in bids. Representatives from Taiwan cited its long history of "physical democracy" pointing to a BBC article which noted that back in 2001, MP Lo Fu-chu was suspended from parliament for six months after punching a female colleague.

Bookmakers note that the Ukraine, though relatively new to parliamentary brawling, are going off at decent odds due to their recent activities.

South Korea is a perennial favorite and is expected to field a tough team.

Georgia, still reeling from its altercation with Russia, has a small team but is expected to attend.

The other nations rounding out the field are Mexico, India and Russia.

Ah yes. Full contact democracy. They used to fight in the streets with guns and knives. Now it's moving indoors and they are using fists. No matter how you feel about it, it is progress.

Morning nuggets...

While looking for something to write about today....I found these two items. The first is one of those uh oh moments. The other reminds me that this is truly a wide and diverse world and that I will never see it all.

First your uh oh moment.

The BBC had this headline today: Nepali Police 'Torture Children.' How'd you like to be the prime minister's press secretary. "Uh....sir....I don't think you're going to like this." Indeed, how DO you spin torturing of children.

The next item is from Germany's Der Spiegel Online. I don't work blue, but .....well...this was delivered on a platter.

In the southern Balkans, a small Muslim ethnic group maintains its collective identity by means of mass circumcision. Once every five years, villagers gather to ordain their boys. And to party for four straight days.

It's all part of something called Sunet a tradition there for several centuries. And here's the kicker.....

At last year's Sunet, 130 boys from 10 months to five years -- some brought from abroad -- were circumcised by 70 year old Zylfikar Shishko, a barber from the nearby town of Prizren who has been performing the role for the last 45 years.

Yes indeed, when I'm thinking of skilled medical talent, I immediately think Floyd the barber. Enjoy your breakfast.

Fraud monitors? We don't need no stinking fraud monitors

So the New York Times reports that Maliki's government is quietly firing fraud monitors. And why not. After all, government oversight is anathema to business. And things are running so smoothly over there. Besides, downsizing government is always a good thing. And really, the fraud isn't that much. Just $13 billion. I mean, you have to look at the big picture. When you consider that we've spent nearly a trillion dollars over there, $13 billion...well....that's just the foam off the top of a cold mug of beer.

Of course, when you're restructuring government, you're going to step on a few toes. There have been some sour apples. According to the Times, "Chris King, a former United States Embassy official who was a senior adviser to the integrity commission said the inspectors general were in many ways one of the last firewalls preventing the Iraqi government from keeping its operations largely in the dark."

And yet, they persevere. The article goes on to say that, "each of Iraq’s 30 cabinet-level ministries has one inspector general." And so far, officials who are paying attention say that anywhere from 7 to 9 of them have been dismissed. I know, change comes slowly. On the bright side, they have gotten rid of the inspector general of the Central Bank of Iraq. And we all know how important it is to let banks do their own thing.

However, I think they can do better. I believe that with a little effort (read - good old American know how) they can clean house for good. But they need leadership. They need someone who is ruthless. Someone who is practiced in the art of secrecy. They need Dick Cheney. And guess what? Dick will be available in January.

I'm just here to help.

The ship belongs to WHO??

Not much in the news these days about that Ukrainian ship with the tanks somewhere off the coast of Somalia. Today it's all about the supertanker filled with a $100 million worth of crude. Now all they have to do is hijack a refinery and they're in business.

Call me a naive, but you'd think the NSA has eyes on that part of the world 24/7 and has the kind of resolution on their satellites that allows them to see what the pirates are having for lunch let alone where they are.

Still, you have to think that the pirates are scared. I mean it's one thing to piss off the Ukrainians, but to grab a $100 million worth of crude from the Saudis? You know, where they cut off a limb for theft? Nope. They are toast. They don't make a Hallmark card for that.

Who ordered the duck?

So do you think they had separate checks at the White House last night? And I bet the jockeying for seats was intense.

"I wanna sit next to Hu Jintao!"
"No way. You sat next to him last time."
"Did not."
"Did so."
"Go sit next to Merkel."
"Bush is sitting next to Merkel, and she wants to move away from him."
"Well then go sit over with Bambang?"
"Who?"
"The Indonesian guy."
"Naah. I can't pronounce his first name."
"Then go sit next to Brown"
"And fall asleep in my soup? No way."

Ah yes. Money changes everything.

G20 and the Free Market

I, like President Bush, am also a "free market guy," but this weekend as the leaders of the world's largest economies gather in Washington D. C. in $600 a night hotel rooms to wine and dine and talk about the mess we are in, I hope someone notes that with all the recent bailouts globally, right now, the "free market" isn't "free."

Afghan Solution: A Dinner and a Movie

This morning brings news of another car bomb in Afghanistan and young girls blinded by acid just because they were on their way to school. This is not good. And yet, you know this is will continue unless something changes. So, here is a solution.

Instead of pouring more and more guns and arms into the country, it is time to use the money differently. Rather than enriching arms companies, lets give the money directly to the Afghan people. Here are some rough numbers. According to the CIA World Fact book, the work force there numbers 15 million. The GDP per capita in Afghanistan is $1000 a year. So far, we have dumped enough money into Afghanistan over the last 6 years, that if we had just given them the money the per capita would have doubled to $2000.

So again, what the heck, let's put everyone on the payroll and double their income. Now, flush with cash, they have "disposable income." And you know what folks do with disposable income? That's right, they go to a dinner and a movie.

Next thing you know, restaurants will be popping up all across the land. The Poppy Garden, Osamabee's, whatever. Followed by 14 plex movie theaters.

Now how are they going to get to the restaurant and theater? You got it, a car. Soon Chevy and GM dealers will dot the landscape which will help our economy. After car dealers, come insurance companies. And with insurance companies come golf tournaments. And soon they'll be turning poppy fields into golf courses.

What? Like the current plan is working?

So surreal even Dali said whoa...!

Two pieces in the NY Times today caught my eye...and I read them together...and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

First was this piece called "Savage Rapes Stoke Trauma of Congo War"...

Here's the first two paragraphs, they are not easy to read:

"BUKAVU, Congo — Denis Mukwege, a Congolese gynecologist, cannot bear to listen to the stories his patients tell him anymore.

Every day, 10 new women and girls who have been raped show up at his hospital. Many have been so sadistically attacked from the inside out, butchered by bayonets and assaulted with chunks of wood, that their reproductive and digestive systems are beyond repair."

Then I read another story, in the same paper, on the same day titled, "$6 Million for the Co-op, Then Start to Renovate" and I quote the first two paragraphs....

"Julia Kim rapped her spiked Gucci heels along the floor of a Midtown furniture showroom earlier this year as she approached a $30,000 custom wraparound couch that will be the centerpiece of the Manhattan co-op apartment she plans to share with her fiancé, Stephen Rushmore.

With advice from Mr. Rushmore and their decorator, John Barman, Ms. Kim deliberated for more than half an hour over details like the density of the cushions, the number of pillows and the height of the seating."

As humans, we have gotten lost somewhere along the way. No big news here, but what worries me, is the greater tolerance we have for the extremes these days.

Nothing Happened. No....really.

So, the story is that Israel sent a couple of jets, into Syria. Dropped some ordinance on something, which apparently blew up well.

Benjamin Netanyahu gave a backhanded compliment and got scolded for it. The US Defense Department acknowledged that something went bang, the Syrians reserved the right to "retaliate at a time and place of their choosing," and that that was about it.

The theories are as such:

1. North Korea was hiding nuclear stuff from the inspection teams and was trying to put it in a closet somewhere in Syria.

2. Iranians were shipping arms to Hizbollah and the Israelis found out and blew it up.

3. Israelis were making a trial run (for the U.S) to test the new Pantsyr anti-missile defense the Syrians and Iranians have recently acquired from the Russians.

Or...maybe a combination of all three.

What's most interesting about this incident is that EVERYONE agrees that something went down. No one is going on the record as to what or why. It's like the proverbial 800 pound gorilla in the living room that no one wants to notice.

But after while, no one can deny that there's this funny smell.....

Anyone? Bueller?

Business As Usual

And so it continues. In Iraq another 170 bodies on Wednesday, another 30 today.

And we don't even flinch.

We flinched BIG TIME for Virginia Tech. As well we should have. And certainly, we are more aware of it because it is right here at home, but we should be flinching for those bodies in Iraq as well. That's over 5 Virginia Techs! Each one, someone's family member.

I grow numb.

What is this predilection that earthlings have for killing and maiming each other?

I mean, really....at some point doesn't even the most callous heart say, "enough is enough?"

It seems a simple enough question.

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays...

Thirty-two dead.

As news of the Virginia Tech shootings spread across the news grid, everyone, understandably, received the news with shock and horror.

Television programs were pre-empted, satellite trucks were sent racing to the campus. Commentators, pundits, average people all had their opinions. Politicians added their two cents.

But at the end of the day, there were still thirty-two bodies.

And as the shock wears off, the gun control debate will once again be heard and once again nothing will be done.

And still, there are thirty-two dead.

Thirty-two dead. The nation is shocked. Europe is aghast. Asia shakes its head.

It really is a hard number to wrap your brain around.

Thirty-two dead.

But here's the irony....in Baghdad....that's a good Monday.

Na na hey hey...

So what happens when Iran just up and quits the United Nations?

I mean, what's stopping them? It's not like they're getting a lot from being a member. And think of the money they'll save by not having to maintain apartments in Manhattan AND Geneva.

This is all conjecture of course, but if you really think about it...why do they need the U.N.?

How would their life be different? What would change?

All those sanctions?

"Not our problem!" they'd say. We don't belong to that club.

I doubt they will leave because there are still a few rational heads over there, but you never know. And what would the world do? Impose sanctions?

Oh. Right.

Defenestration Redux

OK...been away for a while writing movies. There's lot's going on, and I'll try to get back to the blogging thing.

More bad news from Russia....

Having done some journalism in my time, I take it personally when my colleagues die. And too many have been dying recently.

Russia seems to be a particularly bad place to practice the craft these days. Word came today of the death of Ivan Safronov, the military affairs writer for Kommersant. He criticized the Russian military.

Then he apparently fell out of his 5th story window.

According to the AP story on the CBS News website, "Safronov's colleagues and relatives have described him as a strong, cheerful person who would be extremely unlikely to kill himself."

Oh yeah. Those are exactly the type of folks who jump out of a window. In their own apartment.

Last October, Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya was fatally shot. In her apartment. For criticizing the Russian military.

Coincidence?

You be the judge.

Of course in the long run...the bad guys can't win. They never do.

"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

Ah yes, if ever we needed Foghorn Leghorn's words, it is now.

First there was the uproar over the Mohammed cartoons published in a Danish newspaper, which was followed by the International Holocaust Cartoon Competition sponsored by an Iranian newspaper.

Now the Russians have banned comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's film "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Because it might offend people.

But what about.....
Darfur
Global Warming
and....the fact that almost 30,000 children die EVERYDAY from preventable causes
I could go on...but that last one is hard to top.
Apparently, these things aren't nearly as offensive.

As a comedian, there can be no greater honor than to be banned by a government. It's like a Nobel Prize.

Lenny Bruce, Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks must be laughing their asses off somewhere.

If I Can Make It There….

It was quite a week at the United Nations in New York. Not since Nikita Krushchev pounded the table with his shoe have there been such performances. And now that the speeches are done, it's time for the reviews.

Now, I could analyze it as a foreign correspondent, or as a student of International Relations, but I think covering it as a reviewer at a comedy club would be more fun. So, let's recap shall we?

First of all, only one person popped the room.

In comedian parlance, that means, rocking the house… taking it over and making it their own…or killing.

Every seasoned comedian knows when they "kill." So does the audience. There is an electricity to it that is undeniable. When you pop a room, you know it.

So, let's look at who worked the room:

Kofi Annan opened the show Tuesday morning. Fair enough, his room.

He brought on Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, President of Brazil. He didn't have a strong set, but then it's not surprising as he is still an open miker as far as the world stage is concerned.

George Bush had the morning headlining spot and turned in a fairly pedestrian set. He really needs to write some new material. Plus given his off stage antics, he had an uphill battle with the crowd.

Thabo Mbeki of South Africa had to follow Mr. Bush, not a fun spot.

The rest of the morning was pretty slow.

There was some excitement in the afternoon though. It was standing room only as everyone crowded into the room to check out Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the kid from Iran who is hot now. In his set here last year he showed some promise and he has been working regularly at home and getting a lot of ink. His set ran a bit long and as all political comics do from time to time, he lectured a bit.

But the biggest surprise came on Wednesday morning when, for the first time, someone worked blue. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez came in and opened with a Noam Chomsky reference, called yesterday's headliner George Bush the devil, and said that the stage still smelled of sulphur from Bush's set. And that was just in the first few minutes!! Talk about going for the crowd's throat.

The kid is hot right now. He had the room eating out of the palm of his hand.

After his set at the UN he worked a few more rooms in Manhattan, with each set wilder than the last. He reminded me a lot of the take no prisoner's style of Sam Kinison.

But for all the polemics and fist pounding, the name calling, and the posturing…. everyone….and I mean EVERYONE….all the dictators, all the tinpot generals, all the despots….have one thing in common:

You ain't nobody on the world stage till you've played New York.