Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden delivered the first substantive US foreign policy speech at the Munich Conference on Security Policy, and we didn't lose any allies. Kidding. I think while the world held its breath waiting to see what hints Biden would give of the direction of US foreign policy, the folks back in Washington held their breath, hoping that Biden wouldn't unwittingly set back US relations with the world with an off color joke or comment.
As most people who follow international relations know, the words and phrases used in a speech are chosen very deliberately. What I like to call "diplospeak." There is no off the cuff riffing here, no "hey I'm just making this up as I go along." As soon as Vice President Biden was finished, foreign ministries around the world went to work parsing each and every sentence to figure out just exactly what the Obama administration's foreign policy would be. And to save you time and effort, I have chosen a few key passages and "un-diplospeaked" them.
Biden: I come to Europe on behalf of a new administration, and an administration that's determined to set a new tone not only in Washington, but in America's relations around the world.
What he really meant: Look we know you hated the Bush/Chaney administration. Those idiots are gone. We are going to try to clean their mess up, but it's going to take some time.
Biden: In the United States -- like many of you -- we're taking aggressive action to stabilize our financial systems, to jumpstart our economy, and, hopefully, lay a new foundation for growth in the 21st century.
What he really meant: Man, our economy is in the toilet. No really. I can't tell you how bad, but trust me, I've seen the files. You wanna know how bad? I ran into Geithner the other night buying adult diapers at CVS. But take heart. We're taking the battery cables that we used to torture folks with and are using them for what they were intended -- to jumpstart our economy and get things going again.
Biden: We'll need your help. For example, we will ask others to take responsibility for some of those now in Guantanamo, as we determine to close it. Our security is shared. And so, too, I respectfully suggest, is our responsibility to defend it.
What he really meant: Look, we are going to close Guantanamo. But...there are some seriously scary dudes there. And after 6 years, they are tanned, rested and pissed off. And, like all prisons, it's been a training school. They've made connections and learned a lot of stuff. So, it's up to you. Either you take your share of them, or we turn them over to the Saudis or Yemen and if we do that, they show up in London, or Paris two weeks later with a new backpack. Get my drift?
Biden: The Iranian people are a great people; the Persian civilization is a great civilization. But Iran has acted in ways that are not conducive to peace in the region or to the prosperity of its own people.
What he really meant: Hey, you guys got an election coming in June. Take my advice, and toss that nut job you have for a President out of office. We did it. You can do it too.
Biden: It can be seen in the President's decision to name two of America's most tenacious diplomats -- Senator George Mitchell and Ambassador Richard Holbrooke -- to contend with two of the world's most urgent and vexing and complex challenges: the need for a secure, just, and lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians, and the imperative of stopping the mountains between Afghanistan and Pakistan from providing a haven for terrorists.
What he really meant: Mitchell and Holbrooke are back in the game. Let's recap. Mitchell brought peace to Ireland which makes the Israeli-Palestinian thing look like an argument at a ladies tea social. He may look like a mild mannered history professor, but don't underestimate him. As for Holbrooke, this is one seriously bad dude. Need I remind you that he explained how things worked to Milošević? I think you get my drift.
Biden: President Obama has ordered a strategic review of our policy in Afghanistan and Pakistan to make sure that our goals are clear, and that they are achievable. As we undertake that review, we seek ideas and input from you and all of our partners.
What he really meant: See my reference to backpacks above.
Biden: We continue to develop -- we will continue to develop missile defense to counter the growing Iranian capability, provided the technology is proven and it is cost-effective. We'll do so in consultation with you, our NATO allies, and with Russia.
What he really meant: Hey Putin and Medvedev. In case you guys missed it, the Iranians launched a satellite the other day, which means they can now reach Moscow. Your move.
Biden: We will not recognize any nation having a sphere of influence.
What he really meant: Yeah, I got your sphere of influence right here.
Biden: Thank you for your indulgence.
What he really meant: I don't know about the rest of you but I could use a drink. The bar is open and the US is buying the first round.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
Melee in Munich?
So, this weekend at the 45th Annual Munich Security Conference is shaping up to be even more fun than the Thrilla in Manilla.
Vice President Biden is set to deliver a major foreign policy address and the world awaits with baited breath. A senior administration official says, "it will be dramatic!"
So....what constitutes dramatic?
Russia just bribed Kyrgyzstan to close the US base there. Oh, I'm sorry. How impolitic of me. The Russians gave the Kyrgyz government $2 billion in foreign aid and Kyrgyz President Kurmanbek Bakiyev decided to close the US air base there. No coincidence at all. Nope. Nada.
So, on the one hand Putin made nice toward the US in his remarks at Davos and on the other hand they are making things tough for us to re-supply the Afghan effort. Odd friends indeed. You get the feeling that the right hand doesn't really know what the left is doing?
Definitely good cop, bad cop with Putin and Medvedev. The only question is, how far will the bad cop go? Cuz when you're in custody with the bad cop, sometimes things get out of hand. Sometimes you get slapped around.
So how will Biden and the Obama administration respond? That, kids, is the $64,000 question. I would imagine that the Obama folks are a little bent out of shape. So do they go ahead and deploy those missiles that the Bushies were going to put into Poland and the Czech Republic? Or do they make nice and find another way into Afghanistan?
My bet is that they put the ball in Moscow's court. Call for a HUGE nuclear disarmament or....even TOTAL elimination of ALL nuclear arms. You know...go big or go home.
Naturally, our European allies are standing by us....kinda. The Baltic States are TOTALLY with us....cuz they know what the Russians can do to real estate values and relatives. But the Europeans are in the middle of winter and get their gas from Russia so they are playing it cool.
And meanwhile....in another part of town....
If you believe the report on Debka File, Iran is going into the shipping business full time. According to Debka, Ehud Barak claims that Iran is preparing to send more ships with arms to break the blockade on Gaza. More confrontations on the horizon.
Time to stock up at the liquor store.
Vice President Biden is set to deliver a major foreign policy address and the world awaits with baited breath. A senior administration official says, "it will be dramatic!"
So....what constitutes dramatic?
Russia just bribed Kyrgyzstan to close the US base there. Oh, I'm sorry. How impolitic of me. The Russians gave the Kyrgyz government $2 billion in foreign aid and Kyrgyz President Kurmanbek Bakiyev decided to close the US air base there. No coincidence at all. Nope. Nada.
So, on the one hand Putin made nice toward the US in his remarks at Davos and on the other hand they are making things tough for us to re-supply the Afghan effort. Odd friends indeed. You get the feeling that the right hand doesn't really know what the left is doing?
Definitely good cop, bad cop with Putin and Medvedev. The only question is, how far will the bad cop go? Cuz when you're in custody with the bad cop, sometimes things get out of hand. Sometimes you get slapped around.
So how will Biden and the Obama administration respond? That, kids, is the $64,000 question. I would imagine that the Obama folks are a little bent out of shape. So do they go ahead and deploy those missiles that the Bushies were going to put into Poland and the Czech Republic? Or do they make nice and find another way into Afghanistan?
My bet is that they put the ball in Moscow's court. Call for a HUGE nuclear disarmament or....even TOTAL elimination of ALL nuclear arms. You know...go big or go home.
Naturally, our European allies are standing by us....kinda. The Baltic States are TOTALLY with us....cuz they know what the Russians can do to real estate values and relatives. But the Europeans are in the middle of winter and get their gas from Russia so they are playing it cool.
And meanwhile....in another part of town....
If you believe the report on Debka File, Iran is going into the shipping business full time. According to Debka, Ehud Barak claims that Iran is preparing to send more ships with arms to break the blockade on Gaza. More confrontations on the horizon.
Time to stock up at the liquor store.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Dr. Thomas Barnett's new book
I'm going to stray from the humor and the satire for a day and urge you to go out and buy Dr. Thomas Barnett's new book, "Great Powers: America and the World After Bush," which came out today.
For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Barnett, he is the author of The Pentagon's New Map: War and Peace in the 21st Century, one of the best books on foreign policy written in a long time.
His books are a must read for anyone who wants to understand America's place in this modern messy world.
He also writes a blog that is wonderfully informative, very human...and he's funny too. So if you want to know more about the world you live in, read his books.
For those folks in the San Francisco Bay Area, he will be a guest on my buddy Gil Gross's radio show on KGO 810 AM on Tuesday February 10th, 2PM PST.
Tune in!
For those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Barnett, he is the author of The Pentagon's New Map: War and Peace in the 21st Century, one of the best books on foreign policy written in a long time.
His books are a must read for anyone who wants to understand America's place in this modern messy world.
He also writes a blog that is wonderfully informative, very human...and he's funny too. So if you want to know more about the world you live in, read his books.
For those folks in the San Francisco Bay Area, he will be a guest on my buddy Gil Gross's radio show on KGO 810 AM on Tuesday February 10th, 2PM PST.
Tune in!
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Stuff keeps on happening
OK...so the authorities in Cyprus searched the ship and reported the results to the UN according to the BBC. As for that Togo ship carrying relief supplies, activists and religious figures, they were cleared out of Cyprus and are heading for Gaza according to the International Herald Tribune.
But what the heck was on that arms ship? Why won't anybody tell? I submit that the Iranians know, the Russians know, the Syrians know, the US Navy knows because they stopped the ship. So...who is trying to protect who here? Who is possibly being kept in the dark? Just folks like us? Seems like it.
Another item to pay attention to....is the Saudi succession. King Abdullah is sick, Crown Prince Sultan has cancer and if he goes before the King, look out. The Washington Institute for Near East Policy has a great piece on it. The intrigue and back room machinations makes picking a new mob boss look like an open western style democracy.
Oh...and if things weren't bad enough in Afghanistan with the Taliban destroying a bridge that carries supplies in for NATO, the government of Kyrgyzstan got a better offer from Moscow and is closing the U. S. Manas airbase there that serves as a re-fueling and transit point for US troops in Afghanistan. It's all about Russian re-asserting its old sphere of interest. What do you think the chances are of that money from Moscow trickling down to the Kyrgyz people? Yeah. That's what I thought.
All together now.... "It's a small world after all...."
But what the heck was on that arms ship? Why won't anybody tell? I submit that the Iranians know, the Russians know, the Syrians know, the US Navy knows because they stopped the ship. So...who is trying to protect who here? Who is possibly being kept in the dark? Just folks like us? Seems like it.
Another item to pay attention to....is the Saudi succession. King Abdullah is sick, Crown Prince Sultan has cancer and if he goes before the King, look out. The Washington Institute for Near East Policy has a great piece on it. The intrigue and back room machinations makes picking a new mob boss look like an open western style democracy.
Oh...and if things weren't bad enough in Afghanistan with the Taliban destroying a bridge that carries supplies in for NATO, the government of Kyrgyzstan got a better offer from Moscow and is closing the U. S. Manas airbase there that serves as a re-fueling and transit point for US troops in Afghanistan. It's all about Russian re-asserting its old sphere of interest. What do you think the chances are of that money from Moscow trickling down to the Kyrgyz people? Yeah. That's what I thought.
All together now.... "It's a small world after all...."
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Cyprus is hopping!
So...the suspected arms ship is still tied up off Limassol in Cyprus. According to the Jerusalem Post, the Israeli government has asked the US and EU navies to "change the mandate of their fleets operating in the Red Sea and Mediterranean to allow them to board and detain vessels shipping weapons to Hamas in the Gaza Strip."
The US Navy stopped a ship last week and inspected it, but let it continue because they didn't have legal reasons to confiscate the weapons. According to Reuters, "the officials declined to say what kind of weapons were found or how many. They also would not be specific about where or when the incident occurred."
Well gee guys....why NOT say what was on the ship? It's not like no one knows you checked it out. What possible reason do you have for not telling the world? Come on...inquiring minds want to know.
Like I said, this is really juicy stuff.
And according to the Middle East Times, the ship is still there and man oh man...you know the folks in the Cyprus government really wish this whole thing would disappear. They haven't said anything, and for that matter, a whole lot of folks aren't saying anything.
But hold on....now, another incident is brewing. According to AFP religious figures and activists sailed from Tripoli in Lebanon aboard a Togolese ship heading for Gaza carrying aid. They are going to Cyprus to have the ship searched first and then will continue on.
I'm telling you...it's a real international fun fest with players from Iran, Togo, Russia, the US, Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Cyprus...
And amazingly, most of the world's media is doing a pretty good job of ignoring it. Even the American media is silent. Oh...wait a minute, that's right. We're still recovering from our collective Super Bowl coma. And what makes the news? Denny's free breakfast giveaway. Well...I suppose its newsworthy. Those breakfasts can be lethal too. And so it goes.
Stay tuned kids...
The US Navy stopped a ship last week and inspected it, but let it continue because they didn't have legal reasons to confiscate the weapons. According to Reuters, "the officials declined to say what kind of weapons were found or how many. They also would not be specific about where or when the incident occurred."
Well gee guys....why NOT say what was on the ship? It's not like no one knows you checked it out. What possible reason do you have for not telling the world? Come on...inquiring minds want to know.
Like I said, this is really juicy stuff.
And according to the Middle East Times, the ship is still there and man oh man...you know the folks in the Cyprus government really wish this whole thing would disappear. They haven't said anything, and for that matter, a whole lot of folks aren't saying anything.
But hold on....now, another incident is brewing. According to AFP religious figures and activists sailed from Tripoli in Lebanon aboard a Togolese ship heading for Gaza carrying aid. They are going to Cyprus to have the ship searched first and then will continue on.
I'm telling you...it's a real international fun fest with players from Iran, Togo, Russia, the US, Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Cyprus...
And amazingly, most of the world's media is doing a pretty good job of ignoring it. Even the American media is silent. Oh...wait a minute, that's right. We're still recovering from our collective Super Bowl coma. And what makes the news? Denny's free breakfast giveaway. Well...I suppose its newsworthy. Those breakfasts can be lethal too. And so it goes.
Stay tuned kids...
Sunday, February 01, 2009
There's never a pirate around when you need one
So there is this ship that is causing a lot of headaches in the Middle East. According to reports, it's a Russian cargo ship, flying a Cyprus flag, carrying Iranian arms.
Stay with me, because this is really juicy international relations stuff.
Right now, the Cypriots have detained the ship near Limassol, the port in Cyprus, per a request from the United States.
Now the Cypriots, which are currently ruled by the Communists, are searching the ship and they're doing this because they want better relations with the United States. And there is a UN resolution that prohibits arms trafficking in the area.
So what's on the ship?
According to Israel's Ha'aretz there are Iranian arms on board destined for Hamas and Gaza. Other reports say the arms are going to Syria. The Russians claim it's just cargo.
One thing that IS certain is that everyone wishes the whole situation would disappear.
Oh...we'll be following this very closely. This could turn into the first big international incident for the Obama administration.
Who wants to start a pool that the ship never makes it any further? Any takers on an "accidental sinking?"
Whaaaat? Hey, stuff happens.
Stay with me, because this is really juicy international relations stuff.
Right now, the Cypriots have detained the ship near Limassol, the port in Cyprus, per a request from the United States.
Now the Cypriots, which are currently ruled by the Communists, are searching the ship and they're doing this because they want better relations with the United States. And there is a UN resolution that prohibits arms trafficking in the area.
So what's on the ship?
According to Israel's Ha'aretz there are Iranian arms on board destined for Hamas and Gaza. Other reports say the arms are going to Syria. The Russians claim it's just cargo.
One thing that IS certain is that everyone wishes the whole situation would disappear.
Oh...we'll be following this very closely. This could turn into the first big international incident for the Obama administration.
Who wants to start a pool that the ship never makes it any further? Any takers on an "accidental sinking?"
Whaaaat? Hey, stuff happens.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And the nominees are.....Part Deux
Continuing our nominations in the sphere of international events, today we list more folks deserving of some kind of recognition, approbation or opprobrium. Here are the nominees:
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev: For creating the amazing illusion that it's really he and not Vladimir Putin who is running things.
Dick Cheney: This one is almost too easy.
Than Shwe, Maung Aye, Shwe Mann and Thein Sein: The Burmese Generals who denied the enormity of the destruction of the cyclone and hampered access to relief crews.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Sarah Palin: I know, way too obvious but really, where do you start?
Condoleeza Rice: So much promise, such a disappointment.
Tian Wenhua: Head of China's Sanlu company. Yes melamine is good...for your bottom line.
ART DIRECTION
United States: For that colossal new embassy in Baghdad. Even the folks that created the sets for Spielberg and Lucas were awed.
China: For those nifty Olympic facilities. Never mind that they uprooted people and destroyed wonderful old neighborhoods. Progress baby. Just don't get in the way.
Bangladeshi filmmaker Ahsanullah Moni: For spending $58 million dollars to construct a replica of the Taj Mahal in Bangladesh. Yeah, that's exactly what this poor nation needs.
DICTATOR...I MEAN DIRECTOR
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: King, Dictator...whatever. Yes he's on the list. Call me when women, the other half of your population, have equal rights.
Aleksandr Lukashenko: This guy is old school. Repression, torture, bigotry, curtailing press freedoms. Oh yeah. He's on the list.
Bashar al Assad: Because you know he was involved in Hariri's death.
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Russian President Dmitriy Medvedev: For creating the amazing illusion that it's really he and not Vladimir Putin who is running things.
Dick Cheney: This one is almost too easy.
Than Shwe, Maung Aye, Shwe Mann and Thein Sein: The Burmese Generals who denied the enormity of the destruction of the cyclone and hampered access to relief crews.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Sarah Palin: I know, way too obvious but really, where do you start?
Condoleeza Rice: So much promise, such a disappointment.
Tian Wenhua: Head of China's Sanlu company. Yes melamine is good...for your bottom line.
ART DIRECTION
United States: For that colossal new embassy in Baghdad. Even the folks that created the sets for Spielberg and Lucas were awed.
China: For those nifty Olympic facilities. Never mind that they uprooted people and destroyed wonderful old neighborhoods. Progress baby. Just don't get in the way.
Bangladeshi filmmaker Ahsanullah Moni: For spending $58 million dollars to construct a replica of the Taj Mahal in Bangladesh. Yeah, that's exactly what this poor nation needs.
DICTATOR...I MEAN DIRECTOR
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: King, Dictator...whatever. Yes he's on the list. Call me when women, the other half of your population, have equal rights.
Aleksandr Lukashenko: This guy is old school. Repression, torture, bigotry, curtailing press freedoms. Oh yeah. He's on the list.
Bashar al Assad: Because you know he was involved in Hariri's death.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
And the nominees are.....
It's that time of the year again, awards season. We've already had the Golden Globe awards, the Producers Guild awards, the SAG awards and the Oscars are right around the corner and I thought that, if it's true that all the world's a stage, then the foreign policy world should have their own awards. So, here are the nominees......
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Let's face it, when it comes to bombast, speeches and hubris, he is a hard act to follow.
Mikheil Saakashvili and Dmitriy Medvedev: Their over the top hand wringing and mutual sense of outrage over South Ossetia was real theater.
Robert Mugabe: For his sheer stones and denial of reality. Also, anyone who prints a $50 billion dollar note with a straight face deserves to be nominated. He is the one to beat in this category.
Somali President Adan Mohamed Nuur Madobe: Can there be a tougher gig? I don't think so.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner: Technically she assumed the Presidency in December of 2007, but I figured what the heck. Also because it's not easy being a female leader in a macho Hispanic world.
India's Pratibha Patil: Who? Exactly. I bet you didn't even know India had a female President.
Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto: Another technicality, she was assassinated in 2007, but she gets nominated for sheer guts for running for office when she knew the whack jobs were gunning for her. She has the inside track to be the Heath Ledger of the awards.
Bangladesh's Sheikh Hasina Wazed: For trying to run Bangladesh, she gets an automatic nomination.
MAKE UP
Radovan Karadzic: For that whole wild monk, wacky mountain man look.
Nikolas Sarkozy: Nothing makes a person look cooler than marrying Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton's ex-girlfriend Carla Bruni.
SPECIAL EFFECTS
Iran: For those doctored missile photos
North Korea: For photoshopping Dear Leader into pictures to prove he's alive and well.
Tomorrow: Nominees for Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role, Writing, Dictator...I mean Director, Set Decoration and Non-State Actor.
Feel free to send me you nominees.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Let's face it, when it comes to bombast, speeches and hubris, he is a hard act to follow.
Mikheil Saakashvili and Dmitriy Medvedev: Their over the top hand wringing and mutual sense of outrage over South Ossetia was real theater.
Robert Mugabe: For his sheer stones and denial of reality. Also, anyone who prints a $50 billion dollar note with a straight face deserves to be nominated. He is the one to beat in this category.
Somali President Adan Mohamed Nuur Madobe: Can there be a tougher gig? I don't think so.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE ON THE WORLD STAGE
Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner: Technically she assumed the Presidency in December of 2007, but I figured what the heck. Also because it's not easy being a female leader in a macho Hispanic world.
India's Pratibha Patil: Who? Exactly. I bet you didn't even know India had a female President.
Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto: Another technicality, she was assassinated in 2007, but she gets nominated for sheer guts for running for office when she knew the whack jobs were gunning for her. She has the inside track to be the Heath Ledger of the awards.
Bangladesh's Sheikh Hasina Wazed: For trying to run Bangladesh, she gets an automatic nomination.
MAKE UP
Radovan Karadzic: For that whole wild monk, wacky mountain man look.
Nikolas Sarkozy: Nothing makes a person look cooler than marrying Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton's ex-girlfriend Carla Bruni.
SPECIAL EFFECTS
Iran: For those doctored missile photos
North Korea: For photoshopping Dear Leader into pictures to prove he's alive and well.
Tomorrow: Nominees for Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role, Writing, Dictator...I mean Director, Set Decoration and Non-State Actor.
Feel free to send me you nominees.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Gitmo closing
The Obama White House has announced that they will be closing Gitmo within a year. No longer will the inmates be lulled to sleep by warm Caribbean breezes and the sound of waves washing up on white sandy beaches.
Of course, the big question is, what are we going to do with the 240 some odd detainees?
We can't just send them back to their own countries. They will either be tortured some more, executed or released to fight again.
I have a better solution.
Everyone who comes out of prison has to go to a half-way house. A place to pick up the pieces of your life and start anew. After all, as Donald Trump said, America is all about second chances. Go with me on this.
If you really think about it, those detainees picked up a gun without really understanding the concept of the American dream; without understanding what they were trying to destroy.
Therefore, I say, let's give them the American dream and then, if they still want to go back to that cave or compound on the Afghan-Pakistan border and live without a/c, central heating, no washer/dryer, no cable, no TIVO, no 50" LCD TV, no trash compactor, no electric garage door opener, no blender, no dry cleaning, no mini-van, then fine, let 'em go.
I think though, that they will opt for the dream. I think they'll opt for the cheeseburgers, and pizza and ribs and steaks, and milk shakes. I think they'll opt for a shot at putting their kids through college, at owning their own home, at joining a bowling league, a 40 hour week, two weeks vacation in Biloxi, Myrtle Beach or Disneyland.
I know what you're thinking....we can't reward killers, we have to make them suffer.
Here's the silver lining. With this "American dream" they'll get comfortable, they'll stop exercising, they'll eat more junk food while watching Survivor, they'll gain weight, struggle to pay the mortgage, the credit card bills, the car payments, the medical bills. They'll get massively stressed out, they'll get ulcers, heart disease, suffer heart attacks and die.
You were saying....?
Of course, the big question is, what are we going to do with the 240 some odd detainees?
We can't just send them back to their own countries. They will either be tortured some more, executed or released to fight again.
I have a better solution.
Everyone who comes out of prison has to go to a half-way house. A place to pick up the pieces of your life and start anew. After all, as Donald Trump said, America is all about second chances. Go with me on this.
If you really think about it, those detainees picked up a gun without really understanding the concept of the American dream; without understanding what they were trying to destroy.
Therefore, I say, let's give them the American dream and then, if they still want to go back to that cave or compound on the Afghan-Pakistan border and live without a/c, central heating, no washer/dryer, no cable, no TIVO, no 50" LCD TV, no trash compactor, no electric garage door opener, no blender, no dry cleaning, no mini-van, then fine, let 'em go.
I think though, that they will opt for the dream. I think they'll opt for the cheeseburgers, and pizza and ribs and steaks, and milk shakes. I think they'll opt for a shot at putting their kids through college, at owning their own home, at joining a bowling league, a 40 hour week, two weeks vacation in Biloxi, Myrtle Beach or Disneyland.
I know what you're thinking....we can't reward killers, we have to make them suffer.
Here's the silver lining. With this "American dream" they'll get comfortable, they'll stop exercising, they'll eat more junk food while watching Survivor, they'll gain weight, struggle to pay the mortgage, the credit card bills, the car payments, the medical bills. They'll get massively stressed out, they'll get ulcers, heart disease, suffer heart attacks and die.
You were saying....?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Doctor Has Left the Building
When they rolled Dick Cheney out this morning, I finally made the connection.
He IS Dr. Strangelove.
He IS Dr. Strangelove.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Cease fire? Please.....
There is nothing even vaguely amusing about the tragedy that is unfolding in Gaza.
But I did have to roll my eyes this morning when I read that the Israelis had declared a unilateral cease-fire and that Hamas had also declared a one week cease-fire.
Now in the arcane world of diplo-speak, where you have to read between the lines to glean the true meaning of what is being said, cease-fire doesn't really mean cease-fire. I mean, there will be a cease-fire, but in this case, it also means, "hey, we're running low on ammo, and we need to re-load."
So, enjoy the cease-fire while you can because at the end of the week, it will all begin again.
But I did have to roll my eyes this morning when I read that the Israelis had declared a unilateral cease-fire and that Hamas had also declared a one week cease-fire.
Now in the arcane world of diplo-speak, where you have to read between the lines to glean the true meaning of what is being said, cease-fire doesn't really mean cease-fire. I mean, there will be a cease-fire, but in this case, it also means, "hey, we're running low on ammo, and we need to re-load."
So, enjoy the cease-fire while you can because at the end of the week, it will all begin again.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Zimbabwe's 2 Drink Minimum
It is velvet rope time in Harare. Bobby Mugabe has a new angle.
According to CNN, "the Zimbabwean government has announced restrictive licensing fees for foreign journalists working in the country, demanding they pay an annual fee of $4,000 to practice journalism."
But oh, it gets better. The $4000 allows you to do your job, but the application to do your job, costs you $10,000. And once they say yes, you can do your job, your accreditation costs you $20,000. For a grand total of $34,000.
You know the Russians, Chinese, Iranians, Saudis and others are watching and thinking, "hmmmm instead of killing or imprisoning journalists, we can charge them a bunch of cash first, and THEN kill them or imprison them." Brilliant!
But why stop there? Why stop at charging them for applications and accreditation. There is so much more money to be made. How about $5000 for every camera you bring into the country? After all, pictures can be really damning.
Then you can charge another $5K for each laptop you bring in. And how about $5K for cell phones and $10K for satellite phones? Or better yet, make them rent the phones, cameras and laptops from you.
Come on Bobby, let's get creative here.
According to CNN, "the Zimbabwean government has announced restrictive licensing fees for foreign journalists working in the country, demanding they pay an annual fee of $4,000 to practice journalism."
But oh, it gets better. The $4000 allows you to do your job, but the application to do your job, costs you $10,000. And once they say yes, you can do your job, your accreditation costs you $20,000. For a grand total of $34,000.
You know the Russians, Chinese, Iranians, Saudis and others are watching and thinking, "hmmmm instead of killing or imprisoning journalists, we can charge them a bunch of cash first, and THEN kill them or imprison them." Brilliant!
But why stop there? Why stop at charging them for applications and accreditation. There is so much more money to be made. How about $5000 for every camera you bring into the country? After all, pictures can be really damning.
Then you can charge another $5K for each laptop you bring in. And how about $5K for cell phones and $10K for satellite phones? Or better yet, make them rent the phones, cameras and laptops from you.
Come on Bobby, let's get creative here.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Space Cowboys and Shooting Stars
The Christmas/New Year's holidaze are always an interesting time to slide stuff into the media on the sly. Most folks aren't paying attention to the news and that's when the really interesting stuff gets reported. Or as my friend comedian Barry Weintraub says, "George H.W. Bush pardoned Casper Weinberger on Christmas Eve when only the Jews were watching."
I mention this because on Friday, Bloomberg writer Demian McLean reported that President-elect Obama is considering "tearing down long-standing barriers between the U.S.’s civilian and military space programs."
Wow. The Pentagon and NASA together at last. You know that somewhere Reagan is kicking himself for not thinking about this for his Strategic Defense Initiative.
Ah, the militarization of space. Where to begin? Smart new uniforms for starters? Because when we meet life forms from other galaxies who come in peace and have renounced warfare as a primitive means of settling disputes, we need to look good brandishing our phasers, lasers, light sabers and what have you. And are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet. A contest. Let's get the Lucas folks and the Star Trek guys and, what the heck, let's get Ralph Lauren involved too. Cuz you know the French are going to go with Gaultier.
But seriously.....there is just one tiny little problem. You see we, and all the other major powers, signed The Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space. I won't belabor you with the details, but Article IV is worth a second look:
Forbidden works for me. But hey that was 1966. And I realize that ever since the NY Times reported that the Chinese destroyed a satellite 2 years ago this month, we've been working overtime to keep up with the them. But come on folks, we, as a planet, as a group, have to stop it right here. Remember that whole cold war arms race thing? Anyone? Bueller?
Look, I'm not anti-Pentagon. I think our military is the best in the world. But that's just it. They are the MILITARY. Sooner or later someone is going to want to shoot something. It's a testosterone thing. Hey, I like shooting things too. But at targets. At a shooting range. Where no one gets hurt. And we can't turn space into a shooting range.
How about if we start with NO, and work from there. If China, Russia, India, Japan, France, the US and whoever want to militarize space, we say NO.
But most of all, I want to know why there is no call to arms, if you'll pardon the pun, to re-invigorate the discussion to keep space free of weapons? Where is General Secretary Ban Ki Moon on this issue? Why is there no major conference being organized right now to set new rules? We need some logic and some sanity. We need Mr. Spock.
I mention this because on Friday, Bloomberg writer Demian McLean reported that President-elect Obama is considering "tearing down long-standing barriers between the U.S.’s civilian and military space programs."
Wow. The Pentagon and NASA together at last. You know that somewhere Reagan is kicking himself for not thinking about this for his Strategic Defense Initiative.
Ah, the militarization of space. Where to begin? Smart new uniforms for starters? Because when we meet life forms from other galaxies who come in peace and have renounced warfare as a primitive means of settling disputes, we need to look good brandishing our phasers, lasers, light sabers and what have you. And are you thinking what I'm thinking? You bet. A contest. Let's get the Lucas folks and the Star Trek guys and, what the heck, let's get Ralph Lauren involved too. Cuz you know the French are going to go with Gaultier.
But seriously.....there is just one tiny little problem. You see we, and all the other major powers, signed The Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space. I won't belabor you with the details, but Article IV is worth a second look:
Article IVStates Parties to the Treaty undertake not to place in orbit around the Earth any objects carrying nuclear weapons or any other kinds of weapons of mass destruction, install such weapons on celestial bodies, or station such weapons in outer space in any other manner.
The Moon and other celestial bodies shall be used by all States Parties to the Treaty exclusively for peaceful purposes. The establishment of military bases, installations and fortifications, the testing of any type of weapons and the conduct of military maneuvers on celestial bodies shall be forbidden. The use of military personnel for scientific research or for any other peaceful purposes shall not be prohibited. The use of any equipment or facility necessary for peaceful exploration of the Moon and other celestial bodies shall also not be prohibited. (emphasis added)
Forbidden.
Forbidden works for me. But hey that was 1966. And I realize that ever since the NY Times reported that the Chinese destroyed a satellite 2 years ago this month, we've been working overtime to keep up with the them. But come on folks, we, as a planet, as a group, have to stop it right here. Remember that whole cold war arms race thing? Anyone? Bueller?
Look, I'm not anti-Pentagon. I think our military is the best in the world. But that's just it. They are the MILITARY. Sooner or later someone is going to want to shoot something. It's a testosterone thing. Hey, I like shooting things too. But at targets. At a shooting range. Where no one gets hurt. And we can't turn space into a shooting range.
How about if we start with NO, and work from there. If China, Russia, India, Japan, France, the US and whoever want to militarize space, we say NO.
But most of all, I want to know why there is no call to arms, if you'll pardon the pun, to re-invigorate the discussion to keep space free of weapons? Where is General Secretary Ban Ki Moon on this issue? Why is there no major conference being organized right now to set new rules? We need some logic and some sanity. We need Mr. Spock.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Gay? No way.
According to the New York Times, the United States took the bold position of voting against a non-binding measure to decriminalize homosexuality in the United Nations. Not only was it co-sponsored by the French and the Dutch, but all 27 European Union nations voted for it! It wasn't bad enough that they brought us the printing press, the Reformation and the Renaissance, now they have to shove equal rights down our throats.
Well the heck with them. Of course we can't stand up in the United Nations and decriminalize homosexuality. For crying out loud, if we decriminalize homosexuality, the next thing you know they'll be decriminalizing child labor, and the trafficking of women for sexual purposes. Oh.
Well....and then what? Next thing the zealots will do is insist that people have the right to drink clean water, and access to affordable health care. No sir. Decriminalizing homosexuality is just another slippery plank of the global homosexual agenda. And they are sneaky. They use people like Leonardo da Vinci and his art, Elton John and his music, Truman Capote and his literature, and Ellen DeGeneres and her humor to demonstrate that they are just like us. And I for one will NOT have it.
I mean, come on people, we can't have the world thinking that America stands for such nonsense as respect, dignity and God forbid, equal rights under the law.
No sir. Mark my words, someday, people will look back on George Bush's courageous refusal to bend to the homosexual agenda and decriminalize homosexuality at the United Nations as the moral equivalent of Gov. George Wallace blocking the schoolhouse to prevent the integration of Alabama schools.
Well the heck with them. Of course we can't stand up in the United Nations and decriminalize homosexuality. For crying out loud, if we decriminalize homosexuality, the next thing you know they'll be decriminalizing child labor, and the trafficking of women for sexual purposes. Oh.
Well....and then what? Next thing the zealots will do is insist that people have the right to drink clean water, and access to affordable health care. No sir. Decriminalizing homosexuality is just another slippery plank of the global homosexual agenda. And they are sneaky. They use people like Leonardo da Vinci and his art, Elton John and his music, Truman Capote and his literature, and Ellen DeGeneres and her humor to demonstrate that they are just like us. And I for one will NOT have it.
I mean, come on people, we can't have the world thinking that America stands for such nonsense as respect, dignity and God forbid, equal rights under the law.
No sir. Mark my words, someday, people will look back on George Bush's courageous refusal to bend to the homosexual agenda and decriminalize homosexuality at the United Nations as the moral equivalent of Gov. George Wallace blocking the schoolhouse to prevent the integration of Alabama schools.
Monday, December 15, 2008
How do YOU spell irony?
This is a quick one, and I certainly hope the guy is OK, but you can't beat this headline for irony. According to Reuters:
More to the point is that Mexico is a mess. Someone recently wrote that if this keeps up, we are going to have an Hispanic version of Afghanistan south of our border. A country out of control that is largely run by the mob. Drug lords, warlords. Same diff.
David Danelo in an op-ed piece on a McCalatchy website put it most succinctly:
U. S. anti-kidnap expert kidnapped in Mexico
More to the point is that Mexico is a mess. Someone recently wrote that if this keeps up, we are going to have an Hispanic version of Afghanistan south of our border. A country out of control that is largely run by the mob. Drug lords, warlords. Same diff.
David Danelo in an op-ed piece on a McCalatchy website put it most succinctly:
Mexico, our second-largest trading partner, is a fragmenting state that may spiral toward failure as the recession and drug violence worsen.But nothing will change while Cabo is quiet and Cancun still has sun and margaritas.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Happy 60th Birthday
Was it good for you? Man, I thought the partying would never end. For weeks I'd been preparing. Sending out the cards, hanging the bunting, preparing for that national holiday...yes indeed, when it comes to celebrating the sixtieth birthday of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, we spared no effort. Right? Hello?
What do you mean you missed it?
It led the news. President Bush met with human rights activists in the Oval office. It was HUGE.
For my money it didn't get nearly the press it deserves. Just another reminder that we have a long way to go to achieve the following:
What do you mean you missed it?
It led the news. President Bush met with human rights activists in the Oval office. It was HUGE.
For my money it didn't get nearly the press it deserves. Just another reminder that we have a long way to go to achieve the following:
So, during this holiday season, let's pause for a minute, even as our economy is in shambles, to remind ourselves that there are those who are worse off than we are. Like, Maung Thura, also known as Zarganar a comedian in Myanmar doing 45 years for trying to help cyclone victims. He is just one of countless thousands who sit in prisons, without legal recourse, subject to torture and beatings just because they spoke up.
"Article 1: All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood."
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Free Fall
I, along with the rest of the world, am watching Zimbabwe in free fall. It's the ultimate train wreck. Hyperinflation, corruption, cholera. You wonder if Mugabe even knows what's going on, or is he firmly sealed in his bubble.
What is your day like when one of the most important things you will do all day is find clean water to drink.
And at what point do ordinary Zimbabweans rise up and say, "Enough!"
They will eventually. And there will be more bloodshed. Of that we can be certain.
The real interesting thing is watching how the rest of the world is standing by. I think people want to intervene but lack the will. You can't interfere in a sovereign country. So we will have more Cambodias, more Darfurs and on and on.
And more people will die. Not funny.
Elsewhere in the world.....
According to a piece on the BBC website, some guy is building an exact replica of the Taj Mahal in Bangladesh to the tune of $58 million dollars.
Yes. Really.
When I think of a list of things that Bangladesh needs, "exact replica of Taj Mahal" is not in the top five on that list. Truth be told, it doesn't even make the list.
Here a couple of items about Bangladesh that I gleaned from the CIA's World Factbook:
Don't get me wrong, I like the Taj Mahal. I've been there. Seen it. Nice building. But it's been done. Bangladesh needs dikes. Or a dam. At the very least... a couple of ambitious beavers.
What is your day like when one of the most important things you will do all day is find clean water to drink.
And at what point do ordinary Zimbabweans rise up and say, "Enough!"
They will eventually. And there will be more bloodshed. Of that we can be certain.
The real interesting thing is watching how the rest of the world is standing by. I think people want to intervene but lack the will. You can't interfere in a sovereign country. So we will have more Cambodias, more Darfurs and on and on.
And more people will die. Not funny.
Elsewhere in the world.....
According to a piece on the BBC website, some guy is building an exact replica of the Taj Mahal in Bangladesh to the tune of $58 million dollars.
Yes. Really.
When I think of a list of things that Bangladesh needs, "exact replica of Taj Mahal" is not in the top five on that list. Truth be told, it doesn't even make the list.
Here a couple of items about Bangladesh that I gleaned from the CIA's World Factbook:
- much of the country is routinely inundated during the summer monsoon season
- many people are landless and forced to live on and cultivate flood-prone land; waterborne diseases prevalent in surface water; water pollution, especially of fishing areas, results from the use of commercial pesticides; ground water contaminated by naturally occurring arsenic; intermittent water shortages because of falling water tables in the northern and central parts of the country; soil degradation and erosion; deforestation; severe overpopulation
Don't get me wrong, I like the Taj Mahal. I've been there. Seen it. Nice building. But it's been done. Bangladesh needs dikes. Or a dam. At the very least... a couple of ambitious beavers.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Almond Cluster Joy Bombs
I, for one, am glad the U. S. did not join 100 other nations in signing the treaty to ban cluster bombs. We, along with the other 26 nations who manufacture cluster bombs, have worked long and hard to perfect a way to maximize collateral damage to children, and darn it, we are not going to let all those years of research and hard work go for naught.
Leaving aside for a moment the lucrative nature of the cluster bomb business, people have to realize that it's not everyday that you come up with a really effective device with which to kill human beings. And, long after the bombers are back in the hangars, these bomblets just keep on killing. Talk about bang for your buck.
But I think we can do better. Right now according to an article in the UK's Guardian newspaper, Handicap International says that 98% of the casualties it found were civilian. Only 98%! I know, you're saying that 98% is pretty good, and that it's hard to perfect something as neat as the cluster bomb, but hear me out.
Having spent some time in the branding/advertising industry I think the way to kill more children and civilians is packaging. Perusing the images of cluster bombs on the Internet, it is easy to see right away that there is a dearth of imagination when it comes to cluster bombs. We need to brighten things up.
We have to use the color palette more creatively. Reds, greens, blues, yellows. And what if we made them cuddly? How about wrapping the cluster bombs in stuffed animals like little toy bears, or cuddly pandas -- you know, to draw the kids in. And what if we disguised them as food to grab the adults? A cluster bomb that looks like a can of soup. Come on folks, 98% is good, but I think we can get that last 2%.
Who's with me?
Leaving aside for a moment the lucrative nature of the cluster bomb business, people have to realize that it's not everyday that you come up with a really effective device with which to kill human beings. And, long after the bombers are back in the hangars, these bomblets just keep on killing. Talk about bang for your buck.
But I think we can do better. Right now according to an article in the UK's Guardian newspaper, Handicap International says that 98% of the casualties it found were civilian. Only 98%! I know, you're saying that 98% is pretty good, and that it's hard to perfect something as neat as the cluster bomb, but hear me out.
Having spent some time in the branding/advertising industry I think the way to kill more children and civilians is packaging. Perusing the images of cluster bombs on the Internet, it is easy to see right away that there is a dearth of imagination when it comes to cluster bombs. We need to brighten things up.
We have to use the color palette more creatively. Reds, greens, blues, yellows. And what if we made them cuddly? How about wrapping the cluster bombs in stuffed animals like little toy bears, or cuddly pandas -- you know, to draw the kids in. And what if we disguised them as food to grab the adults? A cluster bomb that looks like a can of soup. Come on folks, 98% is good, but I think we can get that last 2%.
Who's with me?
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
How about a Soft Power Czar?
President-elect Obama rolled out his national security team the other day, and if you ask me, there was someone missing. Who is going to run the United States Information Agency? Oh...right. It doesn't exist anymore.
Laugh if you want...but America the brand has been diluted if not outright damaged by the current administration. While the new team is a good start towards repairing that damage, this needs to be a coordinated effort. Luckily though, as hard as they tried to destroy it, they failed. As my friend Bill says, "There is only one American dream. There is no Chinese dream, there is no German dream and there is no French dream."
Come January 20th, we get a do-over. A chance to once again re-assert America as the place to be. It's time to replace the big ugly bouncers in wrap around sunglasses behind the velvet rope with a Wal-Mart greeter. Come on down.
We need to let the world know that the last 8 years were just a bad dream. Yeah, we got a little paranoid after 9/11, and we over-reacted but could you blame us? We'd never been attacked like that before. It was like we were the prom queen and we discovered that not everyone likes us. Oh my god! But we're better now. Really.
That's why the person that the new President puts in charge of Public Diplomacy had better have a real understanding of the world. It needs to be someone who has spend time living in different countries. Not someone who has served in multiple U. S. missions abroad and who's only contact with locals has been the people who come through the consulate doors.
No we need someone who has not been a part of the U. S government. Someone who shopped in the markets and hung out in the bars. Someone who has ridden public transportation regularly, someone who has had contact with the local cultures. Someone who has coughed up 5 yuan or ringits or rupees to buy that grilled "thing" on a stick and then spent the next five hours on their knees praying to the porcelain god while that "thing on a stick" worked their way through their body. Hey, that's how you learn about local culture. It's also where you hear what people really think about the U. S.
Right now, folks aren't happy with the U. S. But we can fix it. We may have to eat a few more "things on a stick" but it will be worth it.
Laugh if you want...but America the brand has been diluted if not outright damaged by the current administration. While the new team is a good start towards repairing that damage, this needs to be a coordinated effort. Luckily though, as hard as they tried to destroy it, they failed. As my friend Bill says, "There is only one American dream. There is no Chinese dream, there is no German dream and there is no French dream."
Come January 20th, we get a do-over. A chance to once again re-assert America as the place to be. It's time to replace the big ugly bouncers in wrap around sunglasses behind the velvet rope with a Wal-Mart greeter. Come on down.
We need to let the world know that the last 8 years were just a bad dream. Yeah, we got a little paranoid after 9/11, and we over-reacted but could you blame us? We'd never been attacked like that before. It was like we were the prom queen and we discovered that not everyone likes us. Oh my god! But we're better now. Really.
That's why the person that the new President puts in charge of Public Diplomacy had better have a real understanding of the world. It needs to be someone who has spend time living in different countries. Not someone who has served in multiple U. S. missions abroad and who's only contact with locals has been the people who come through the consulate doors.
No we need someone who has not been a part of the U. S government. Someone who shopped in the markets and hung out in the bars. Someone who has ridden public transportation regularly, someone who has had contact with the local cultures. Someone who has coughed up 5 yuan or ringits or rupees to buy that grilled "thing" on a stick and then spent the next five hours on their knees praying to the porcelain god while that "thing on a stick" worked their way through their body. Hey, that's how you learn about local culture. It's also where you hear what people really think about the U. S.
Right now, folks aren't happy with the U. S. But we can fix it. We may have to eat a few more "things on a stick" but it will be worth it.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Monday....monday.....
As I disengage from our annual national tryptophan induced coma, I'm thinking the sub-continent could use to eat a little more turkey.
Terrible stuff in Mumbai, theories abound and everyone has an opinion, but if you drill down, it ultimately comes down to economics with a side order of tribalism or religion. One element has primacy, and all that are associated with it get to benefit. Belong to the minority and you're a second class citizen. The answer is to give everyone a shot at the pie equally. When people are fat and happy and worried about soccer games and school grades you have progress.
Speaking of progress....
I flew into Iran a number of years ago and I remember that the Purser on the flight said something to the effect of, "Welcome to Tehran, the local time is 1:15 PM in the year 1365." Sure...a cheap shot. But reading the BBC website last week I came across this piece which reminds me that they have a ways to go:
Ah...equality. You don't think so? Who's to say that a few years ago she wouldn't have been stoned to death for the same "offense" ? I mean spurning a MAN's advances?? That just doesn't cut it. So as far as I'm concerned, this is visible progress.
Truth be told, most Iranians are probably embarrassed by this. I know I would be.
Terrible stuff in Mumbai, theories abound and everyone has an opinion, but if you drill down, it ultimately comes down to economics with a side order of tribalism or religion. One element has primacy, and all that are associated with it get to benefit. Belong to the minority and you're a second class citizen. The answer is to give everyone a shot at the pie equally. When people are fat and happy and worried about soccer games and school grades you have progress.
Speaking of progress....
I flew into Iran a number of years ago and I remember that the Purser on the flight said something to the effect of, "Welcome to Tehran, the local time is 1:15 PM in the year 1365." Sure...a cheap shot. But reading the BBC website last week I came across this piece which reminds me that they have a ways to go:
A court in Iran has ruled that a man who blinded a woman with acid after she spurned his marriage proposals will also be blinded with acid.
Ah...equality. You don't think so? Who's to say that a few years ago she wouldn't have been stoned to death for the same "offense" ? I mean spurning a MAN's advances?? That just doesn't cut it. So as far as I'm concerned, this is visible progress.
Truth be told, most Iranians are probably embarrassed by this. I know I would be.
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